The Kindness Pledge

Today's Truth

What does it mean to be a kind person?

It has been awhile since I posted on this blog, which is funny, because I write about personal truths I have been thinking about, experiencing or discussed with others. I haven't written here because I haven't been thinking, going through life experiences or talking...I was distracted by January. So, thanks for your patience and here comes a new topic.

True Kindness...and the expression of it.

So many people talk a good game about being kind to others, but when it comes right down to it...how much do they actually do?  I know you are thinking -- whoa!  Me too.

How kindness is explained can be far reaching.  It is more than it appears to be on the surface.  Here is a link to the word on thesaurus.com.  The many forms kindness can take  is worth looking into and thinking about.  Look at all the synonyms and check out the antonyms, too.  http://thesaurus.com/browse/kindness

Kindness is an active part of how I choose to live my life.  I found the personal pledge below and really appreciate it.  It provides action steps to incorporate kindness into our daily intentions.  It reminded me that what we think is as important as what we do.

Cheers!

DCR

Words of Wisdom: The Kindness Pledge
I Resolve to...

1. Speak kindly of someone at least once a day.
2. Think kindly about someone at least once a day.
3. Act kindly toward someone as least once a day.
4. Avoid speaking unkindly of anyone.
5. Avoid speaking unkindly to anyone.
6. Avoid acting unkindly toward anyone.

Source: The Hidden Power of Kindness, by Lawrence G. Lovasik

Is It Complicated?

Today's Truth

You know, I really, really wanted to blog every single week.  I wanted to blog with meaning and sincerity, talking about noble and truthful things.  A good thought, for sure, but what I have found is that I am not moved to write lofty ideals every week.  No, it isn't that I get all down and gloomy, it is just that things happen, schedules change and stuff gets in the way.  Could be called life, what do you think?  So, today, I am moved and I want to share some thoughts...

Is It Complicated?
Is life all that complicated, or do we make it that way.  Some simple concepts have been around forever and still seem to work.
1. Be the best person you can be.  Yep, try to take the high road.
2. Be kind.
3. Take time to be grateful. This is so important.  Gratitude wipes out a lot of junky thoughts..thoughts that really don't improve your life, but lead right back to other downward spiraling thoughts that just perpetuate a feeling of dissatisfaction.
4. Give it your all -- don't hold back your best efforts - in anything.
5. Think about other people -- oh yeah, and put them first sometimes.  Make the phone call; write the caring card; do something nice and don't expect anything back.  Connect face-to-face; take time to build relationships.
6.  If you get angry, take a breath and look at both perspectives -- your own and the other person's.
7. If you don't like something, try to change it.
8. Make life about more than your job -- realize it does not define you, but incorporates your values, talents and passion.
9.  Take time to do things you enjoy -- nature, art shows, theatre, walking on the beach, shopping (within reason), movies, golf, conversations, dinner parties, redecorating... and the list goes on.
10.  Talk to the people you enjoy -- have real conversations.  Let go of the relationships that make you feel bad about yourself -- those negative people that sap your energy.
11.  Don't put off the difficult conversations -- hurt or angry feelings build up.
12.  Don't keep emotional score; don't be an emotional vampire.  Sorry, but it isn't always about you.
13.  Do something creative -- it is fun, offers an immediate sense of accomplishment and lasts.
14.  Figure out your own thoughts on spirituality.
15.  Love yourself and loving others will be a natural consequence.
16.  Help others, through donations, charity work or service.

Not so much...
Well, there you have it.  Not so complicated is it?  We are meant to live a life we enjoy.  I think we make it hard on ourselves sometimes.  I hope these ideas are helpful to you.

Wishing you joy,
DCR

Regrets...How much time do you give to them?

Today
My apologies for missing a new post last week.  I was otherwise occupied.  Smile. 

Okay, Okay.  We all have regrets -- y'know those actions, words or thoughts we wish we could undo or take back with a big, screaming, "Do Over!"  Remember, when you were a kid and it was as easy as that -- yelling, "Do Over"!  Unfortunately, adult life really doesn't work like an etch-a-sketch and "poof" the regret is erased.  I guess the big question is how to move on from thinking about them, or thinking about how to correct them, or how to ease the pain we experience every single time we revisit them.

"You absolute bonehead, how could you have said/done that?" -- DCR

Another question...is it really the actual words or actions we regret, or the feelings we experience when we recall them, like one of my particular favorites when having a discussion with myself on the topic..."You absolute bonehead, how could you have said/done that?"  I'm thinking it is a bit of both.  We are sorry we did/said whatever it was and we really don't like the feeling that comes when we think about it -- the memory makes us feel even more miserable.

Sidetrack...Do you know people who make regret into a victimization art?  They are so good at it, they make you feel badly for them and kaboomski you are suddenly part of their whole regret scenario and you continually try to help them feel better.  How goofy is that?  It is like a heroin addiction..."Ooooh, but it feels so good to feel bad." Eeeeeuuu.  I know people like that and I am finally smart enough (TYG) to run as far and as fast as I can.

Okay, okay, back to my original point.  How much time and thought do we need to give to our regrets before we learn from them and move on?  Aha! Did you notice how I was sneaky there and threw in the "we learn from them" part?  A regret can play on and on like a loop on a tape, until it looms so large, that it morphs into something that becomes a part of us.  You need to recognize it if that is what you are doing.  

There are things we do or say that we really do need to face, admit and fix if we can.  It happens.  There is my point in a nutshell...it happens.  At one time or another, we all do and say stuff that is incredibly stupid or selfish or mean or any variety of the icky sorts of things our mommas told us not to do (if you are lucky enough that your momma passed along some wisdom).  Here comes the part I like...

Number one, if you are still doing something similar, stop doing it and number two, if you have the opportunity to say to the other person(s) involved that you are sorry... be big enough to say it and mean it. If you aren't still doing something similar but the thought of what you did keeps coming back like bad marinara sauce, tell yourself you are sorry you were so stupid and move on.  You have the power to do that.  You have the power and permission to have those conversations with yourself.  You can recognize your own poor behavior and feel sorry for it and fix it.  If you can't give yourself permission...I will.  Smile.  

I am getting to a juncture here.  Don't spend your energy or your life in the regret zone.  My God, people, can you give yourselves a break?  Stand up and take responsibility and then...wait for it...move on.  Think about it this way...Life is a big ol' school ground. We don't know everything at the beginning...we live it and learn as we go.  If you make a mistake on a math problem, do you wring your hands and cry for the rest of your life (unless you are me, the whole school quarter), or do you erase it and figure out how to correct it and move on?  Let's vote for the correct it and move on part. What is it you need to do that?  No, really, I am asking you a question.  You have to put some effort into this whole deal -- as in -- think it through.  The most amazing and wonderful thing happens when you face the regret head-on and take responsibility for it and fix it (if you can) and let it go...you are free.  No more sadness, no more feeling like you are a bad person, no more snugglin' up to the bad feeling like it's a warm blankie.  You are free.  Imagine the relief, heck, imagine all the time and energy you will have to put into happiness or joy or new people or inspiration or creativity or...are you getting the idea?

You can wrap yourself in the stranglehold and twisted comfort of regrets or you can make the choice to open yourself up to living the life you really want.  Profound...no, difficult, not really.  Look your little self in the eye (mirror is best) and give yourself permission to be whole.  It is not that scary.  You can do this...

With respect,
DCR      

When the high, low and self-righteous roads connect...ouch!

Truth Today
Oh well, ok...we all know we are supposed to take the high road in any given situation. Yep -- easy.  Basics:  The high road is when you make the choice that seems to be the most ethical and/or moral.  The low road is when you make the choice that 1) will benefit you, 2) put the other person at some disadvantage or 3) makes it easiest (seemingly) for yourself. The self-righteous road is when you convince yourself you are taking the high road, when really, you are manipulating the facts to make it easier to do what you want to do anyway. 

Easy example:  There is only one serving of chocolate creme brulee left and your decision is to eat it, share it with your mate or wrap it up and take it to your co-worker with the sweet tooth who is going through such a difficult time.  Solutions:  Low road, you eat it.  High road, you share it or at least attempt to share it.  Self-righteous road, you eat it and tell yourself that your mate has already had several servings and/or the lady at work needs to lose weight and the creme brulee wouldn't help her in the long run.

Pretty self-explantory, right?  Let's step it up a bit...right into the ethics of relationships and human interaction categories.

The high, low and self-righeous roads connect when we make choices with the wrong (eeeuuu) motives.  Example:  You and your mate have a long discussion/argument about spending habits.  High road, "Honey, I see your point, so let's work on this together and check in with each other before spending more than $50 on something."  Low road, "Honey, I see your point, so let's work on this together and check in with each other before spending more than $50 bucks on something."  Then, when those cute, cute shoes calling your name, appear, you put it on the credit card and don't mention it.  Self-righteous road, "Honey, I see your point, so let's work on this together and check in with each other before spending more than $50 bucks on something."  Then, when those cute, cute shoes appear, you spend your stashed cash and not only don't mention it, but justify it with, "He/She (your mate) is always buying a Starbucks coffee, so it won't hurt if I buy these for me.  He/She never needs to know."

Here is another one:  You have a colleague at work that drives you bonkers.  You are smart enough to know that it is in your best interest to try to get along and not make waves in the office, so you are always nice to her face.  You run into her on your morning coffee break and briefly chat about nothing, maybe she says she is having a tough time on a project -- break is over and you smile and tell her to have a good day.  Later, over lunch with your buds you tell them about running into her.  High road, "I ran into Ruth this morning and she is really working hard on the xyz project."  Low road, "I ran into that beeatch Ruth this morning and she was whining about how hard she has it."  Self-righteous road, "I saw Ruth this morning and she is way over her head on the xyz project and she is going to make it hard on all of us."  In other words...you hack her up into little pieces for the love of gossip and/or to make yourself seem a little more important.

Cutting to the chase -- these might sting a little...

You have an argument with your mate or best friend that doesn't really get resolved.  Self-righteous road, you take the argument to all your buds and present only your side of it (in a very nice and well-meaning way) to get them to trash the other person, so you feel "right", "justified", or "superior".

You manage a group of people and a problem comes up about someone in the group -- Joe. Self-righteous road, "I can get Joe in line if I share just a part of this with him and put my own spin on it. That will solve the whole problem and be good for everyone involved."

Are you getting my drift here?  Never fear, there is a litmus test of questions you can ask yourself to find out which road is looming before you.

First, of course...The Golden Rule...Ask yourself, "Would I want someone to do this to me(think about me) this way?

Second, Media Rule...Ask yourself, "Would I make this same decision if it were announced on local tv and everyone would know I made it?

Third, Moral Rule...Ask yourself, "If I make this decision will I like the person I see in the mirror everyday?  Will he/she be the reflection of the person I want/strive to be?"

Fourth, Mentor Rule...Ask yourself, "If I make this decision, will my mom or dad or (someone you admire) be proud of me?"

There you go, food for thought.  That high road isn't such a high road if it isn't taken honestly and with good intention.  All the familiar words pop up here...ethics, morals, honesty, integrity, kindness, principles, etc.  It never hurts to ask ourselves a few questions and get back honest answers.  Living life and interacting with others (especially those you love) in a transparent way, gives us lots of room to grow in our relationships and strengthen our own characters.  Not a bad thing.

Hey, always with respect,
DCR  

You just ticked away your relationship...

Today...Tick, Tock...

Something occurred to me yesterday -- hardly a revolutionary thought, but one that went thump -- the type of inner call (brrrrinnng!) that gets my attention, everytime.   

We spend so much time with technology that we have removed ourselves from actual people.  I love FB; the convenience of emails -- spend some time texting and have a laptop and smartphone.  My work is computer-centered, writing articles, two blogs, editing four more and producing volumes of marketing materials, etc.  Follow this link to youtube video with data on the growth of social media.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIFYPQjYhv8&feature=player_embedded

Many of us rarely make time to see friends anymore and sadly, we have nudged that habit over to our significant partners. 

We are bound, people, tied... to our social media on computers and cellphones.  We have learned to mentally gyrate to the vibrations of technology rather than the nuance of face-to-face communication.  Holy crocus in a pottery bowl! as someone dear to me would say.

Tick-tock, people.  Ask yourself, how many hours at night or on the weekends do you spend texting, emailing, FB'ng, or working on the computer?  How much time do you spend yaking with someone else...and not the person with whom you are in a committed relationship?

"Remember back to when your heart was open."...DCR

Then, ask yourself another question.  How comforting is your computer?  Did your cell phone give you a high-five when you landed that job?  When your mom was sick, did the laptop hold you and tell you it would be alright?  Nope, hopefully, your significant other, or committed partner, did that.

I feel compelled to share this with you...the intimacy of your relationship can erode if you don't spend quality time together.  The good news, it won't take a great big effort to change it -- consistent effort, yes -- horrible and anxiety-ridden effort, no.  Once or twice a week, spend 2-4 hours talking with your main squeeze and focus on that person. 

Here is something simple you can do and it serves as dinner:

Some evening during the week, grab some cheeses, olives, crackers, veggies, nuts and two of your favorite beverages.  Take a few minutes to arrange it all pleasantly on a cheeseboard and plates -- NOT at the dining room table.  Place it in a comfortable area where you don't usually sit together and will have some privacy. (Funny how we only use those cozy little spaces for guests at our parties).  If you have kids, give them some nachos and cheese spread in another room.  (You know what I mean, here, right?).  This isn't a commentary on food, but on some no-tension quality time for you and your love. 

Give yourselves a couple of hours to munch and sip and talk -- do not chew over problems, or big projects, or anything that changes the energy to a negative space.  Remember back to when it was all new and your heart was open and your head was interested in this fascinating other person.

Why does the senario above work?  Well, for one... it takes some time to eat these little appetizers -- spread the cheese on the crackers, take a sip, talk.  Grab an olive, munch, take a sip, talk...you get the idea. For another... you are working at it -- making an effort to keep the intimate, one-human-being-to-another connection, alive.

Relationships are like anything else...left untended, they don't grow.  Ignored, they wither.  Ignored enough, they fade, bite-the-dust...cease to be, finito.

Tick-tock, tick-tock...

Heck, I don't care if it's JuJubees and juice, try it this weekend!

Happy Friday,
Diana


   

How to make difficult relationship decisions…it is a process

Today
There are times in life when we arrive willingly or unwilling at a point that calls for a decision… one that might change our lives. I am not talking about altering a hairstyle or buying a new car. No, it is the decision that will affect you and someone else -- and often, it is about relationships. Let's talk about ending committed partner relationships.

First, things, first…

When you arrive at the point you feel it's necessary to consider making this kind of decision – acknowledge to yourself that it hasn't been an easy road. Why? Self-expectation. When we fall in love and make a commitment, we expect it will turn out well. If it doesn't, quite often, we find ourselves surprised and somehow to blame. We take it all on, in one big lump and it churns and churns…what is wrong…what could I have done differently…what should he/she have done differently…what happens if I end this…how will I ever be okay…how, how can I do this?

Get yourself to a location that is neutral – don't sit in your bedroom and contemplate walking away from a relationship and your home – that is just self-torture. If you are considering making a life-altering change, don't you think it is worth investing in a few days away? Go to a hotel at the beach or a loving friend's home for a couple of days – even one day. Get away from the entire situation and environment.

Next…

When you have stopped crying or feeling bad, perhaps had something to eat and some sleep, then you can approach the BIG question. How do you do that? Interview yourself…yeah, that's right…ask yourself a series of questions.

Sit down with yourself (just you…no one else) and a pad of paper. Be direct and clear with yourself and don't avoid the thoughts that come up -- you aren't making the BIG decision yet, you are just thinking about it.

Understand that the only person you can really change is yourself. Write down the following list of questions and answer them – Be brief, positive and specific:

• 
  
  Why am I here?
  Be fair to yourself -- by acknowledging that there must be some valid reason you have arrived at this point. Okay, you have just validated that you have a reason to be thinking the thoughts you are thinking.
• 
  
  Am I serious about this? Am I willing to accept the consequences of this decision?
• 
  
  What happens to me if I end this relationship? Write down everything that makes you feel afraid
• What happens to my partner if I end this relationship? Write down everything that makes you feel afraid for...or of...your partner
• What happens if I don't end this relationship? Be really honest here…
• 
  
  Is it too late to call a truce? Will more talk save this relationship? Will a trial separation period save this relationship?
• 
  
  Am I willing to try to work this out with a counselor/therapist?
  Get the name of a Marriage Family Therapist from someone you trust. Talk to your partner. Schedule an appointment – whether or not your partner agrees to accompany you. It is so important to talk with a neutral person. Your friend, or mom or sister or brother, usually are going to see things from your perspective. They may or may not be objective and honesty includes objectivity.

Once you have answered these questions in writing -- you have done just that and only that…answered your own questions. It doesn't mean you must act on them, it means you have taken the time to sort out your thoughts and emotions.

Don't rush right out and share your answers with anyone, including your best friend. Let them settle…they belong to you, they're yours. You can decide where you want to take it from this point and remember, you don't have to make that decision immediately.
So many times, it is fear that keeps us from making any type of decision. Having the answers to some of your questions should help quiet your fears and enable you to approach the situation from a stronger basis.

I want to share a very simple truth with you...

        "You will feel the way you feel, until you don't feel that way anymore". -- DCR 

In other words, you will recognize it when you are ready to make a change. Take a deep breath…and realize that.


Regards,
Diana