It's Christmas. No Stress. No Pressure. Ask Oren...

Here we go, or here we have gone...the holidays are upon us.  Many of us are running around feeling super stressed, getting angry easily, feeling pushed into a corner and find ourselves growling through the holidays.  Why is that?  For some reason the holiday season ramps up the pressure.  What is that about?  Let's ask ourselves this question and listen to the answer -- "What is this pressure I feel?"  Really, what is it?  It is a good thing to know the answer -- it can change attitudes and relieve that sense of being out of balance. 

Maybe you can identify with one or two thoughts on this list. I tried to cover most of the feelings I have heard expressed and some I've experienced myself: 

Forms of holiday pressure:

• I have too much to do and I can't get everything done in time.
• It is Christmas and if I don't give them the right gifts, I look bad.
• It is Christmas and if they don't get the right gifts, they will be unhappy.
• It is Christmas and I know I should be celebrating, but, please -- stop talking and ring up my purchases -- I can't wait forever.
• It is Christmas and even though I can't stand my (name any family member), I have to be nice and put up with him/her.
• It is Christmas and I don't have anyone special to share it with.
• Why do I always have to do everything?
• I don't have enough money to buy expensive gifts...but if I don't, people will think I am cheap or don't know the difference.
• It's Christmas and everything has to be perfect.

OK, by now, you are probably seeing the "I" word in every single stressed out thought listed above.  My question...why do we do this to ourselves?  It certainly isn't in the spirit of Christmas -- you remember that, don't you, good will, generosity, peace, love, faith, generosity?

You know what, this year, the holiday season is all about the real things for me.  What do I want to give?  Good will.  Alrighty then... that's a big goal.  So what does that look like?  I posted a quote on my personal facebook page that sort of describes it and want to share it here, too. Take a look.  Of course, I will be giving tangible gifts, but I am putting the qualities on this list at the top of my list for the whole season...and beyond: 

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect. -- Oren Arnold

These gifts don't come wrapped in pretty paper.  They come wrapped in the love of your heart; the ability to genuinely love others and... "appreciate yourself". 

How to do that?  Breathe; take your time; don't spend over your budget; take some time off -- away from work (even a few hours and go to your favorite relaxing place and sit for awhile with a good book...or Kindle :); decide, (yes, decide), that you won't react negatively.

Here's more...plan a simple holiday meal and ask for help -- don't martyr yourself, ask; realize the gifts you give to others are thoughtfully chosen by you and it is the thought that counts; realize in today's economy, the giant, perfect, gifts are rare -- and that is really okay -- probably even better; realize that for your family and friends, having you relaxed and happy, rather that stressed out and mad, is a gift in itself.

The best one I know?  Have faith, know it is going to be okay and if someone is disappointed, it isn't about you. Love and love and love some more.

Additionally, there are all kinds of articles with tips to manage stress and here is a link to one of them -- seems like a straightforward article and common sense http://www.todays-women-and-health.com/managing-stress.html 

My wish for you...be happy and have a peaceful, satisfying, comfortable holiday season.

With respect,

DCR  

What we tell ourselves...

Today's Truth

Summer is really over, isn't it?  I have taken quite the break, for a variety of reasons, but now it is time to get back into the swing of things.  Might I add it takes a bit of discipline to stick with blogging, even with the best of intentions.  I found all sorts of reasons not to post that I happily validated. Well, that isn't true, I wasn't so happy about it, but the excuses worked and were well-rationalized.  I swear to you, that as I am writing this, I am eating Triscuit crackers and those little round cheese things that you have to peel.  Ask me and I will tell you, "No, I wasn't postponing writing, I was hungry."  Uh huh.  It tastes pretty good, by the way. Here's some info about Triscuits -- they are pretty tasty and not a bad snack:  http://www.nabiscoworld.com/triscuit/ and here is the site for the cheese. 

I like mini babybel. http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?_adv_prop=image&fr=yhs-avg&va=mini+babybell+cheese

Okay, okay.  All of this is a lead into what I want to blog about...that almost terrorizing topic of...what we tell ourselves.  I think I will tackle the negative side first.  Some of you may recognize these...

I will get to that (whatever it is) tomorrow.  First thing in the morning, I will call so and so.  After this project is finished, I will eat better or start walking or spend more time with my family or start a sports program or take a class.  Want to go deeper?  When I lose this weight, I will be happier; when the boss sees what I can really do, I can ask for a raise; if I weren't so busy, I could ask Sally to go out to lunch and see what is bothering her; there will be other games, I have the whole season to watch Johnny; it doesn't matter what I think, so why even try to explain.

Now for the positive ...

Do you recognize any of this?  I do.  This is exactly how I arrived at it being okay for me not to post my blog all summer. We are talking three months here.  Is it the end of the world?  Well, no, but, I don't feel good about it.  I feel guilty.  There's the rub.  We tell ourselves...or give ourselves permission... to put off activities, personal relationships, our own growth and general feeling of well-being for what? I don't know, every situation is different.  But the question to ask is...is it worth it?  Or even better, how do I recognize that is what I am doing.

No, I don't think it is the best idea to plan out our every move, but some lists aren't such a bad idea.  When we were discussing my lack of blogging, my brilliant son told me, (the self-admitted queen of organization), "Mom, make a list of topics you want to talk about -- start with just four for the first month."  Did I mention that he is brilliant?  He told me this months ago.  Finally,  I just did it this past Tuesday.  And look, here I am blogging again.  Smart little guy isn't he?  He is a grown man, but he is still my smart little guy, especially when he gives me excellent advice that works.  Thank you, son.

So, my point.  Listen to your own self-talk.  What are you telling yourself?  Does it hang on a mental hook in the back of your mind?  Take it off the hook and put it down on paper.  Take time to write it down and then figure out what part of it you really want to throw out and what part needs some action. We do this all the time for our work, why not for ourselves?  It is kind of cool to have that conversation with yourself and actualize it on paper.  You could even put some goals and dates next to things.  How do we get things done?  We take action.  How do we take action?  We know what we want to do.  How do we know what we want to do?  We think about it and spend some time with each idea and then make decisions and then, formulate a plan.  You keep some stuff and throw out some stuff.  And, the really great thing about a plan?  You can change it.  It is adaptable, a good plan isn't written in stone -- it is flexible.  I think that is what scares us sometimes about writing down goals and even desires -- we feel it a certain commitment.  Guess what?  You can change your mind.  The main thing is to recognize (be aware of) what you are telling yourself about anything...anything at all.

And, did you know, that you can pick up the Triscuit crumbs in the bottom of the bowl with the cheese?  I am laughing so hard.

Let me know what you think.  I know checking in with my self-talk is a very good thing and, hopefully, it will benefit you to recognize yours and take some action.

My greatest intention is to help you.

Warm regards,
Diana

The Many Avenues of Truth: Motives -- check in often

Today
Hello! Sorry again that I haven't posted in two weeks -- crazy schedule -- fabulous and inspiring, but the kind that required my entire focus.

MOTIVE
I have been thinking recently about the importance of motive, i.e. that little factor that shapes our thought and leads to action. Actually, motive is much larger than what we think, when you bring it into mind as a question, you can begin to define your response to the words and actions of others. Not only can you question your own motives -- you are free to investigate and determine the motivation of other people -- friends, family, colleagues, brief acquaintances, etc. Sometimes these questions are effortless to recognize, as in, "What on earth was he/she thinking?" We all easily recognize that thought! Sometimes, not so much.

Today's discussion is about quietly assessing why we or someone else has said or done something. It is a valuable tool, for ourselves (why are we thinking, saying or doing whatever it is we are thinking, saying or doing) or...why is someone else saying or doing something.

I have heard it said that our motives are the same thing as our desires. Hmmm, ok...what do people want – way deep down? We all want to be happy...I think it is that simple.
How do motives play into the happiness plan? Motives lead to intentions.

Now, having said that mouthful, let me begin to explain:  There are lots and lots of ways to approach anything. We each choose on an infinitesimal scale daily what we are going to say and do. All interactions involve what? Yay, you guessed it -- people. So, we have our own motives...and make no mistake about it...it is...how am I going to respond today so I can express my own idea of happiness... love, patience, mercy and peace or am I going to get what I want regardless of the pain/discomfort/humiliation/loss of confidence/sadness/hurt/ it might cause another person? That itty-bitty definition is motive boiled down to its core.

You don't suck it up like your favorite strawberry milkshake. -- DCR

 What about the motivations of other people? I love my mama -- she boils stuff down to the core in every interaction she has -- she knows where her feet are and can pretty much tell you why the other guy is saying or doing whatever it is he/she saying or doing. Gosh, I appreciate that skill. There is no fooling her. She has lived long enough to know the wisdom of asking that question...why? She taught her girls to ask that question...did we always listen? Well, that is another story.

For ourselves, we can ask the question... how is this going to effect someone else-- is this thought/conversation/action constructive or destructive? And, hey, no matter what you are telling yourself, you know the answer. You may want to start practicing a little self-awareness -- we may be just a little rusty on that one -- but it is how we take responsibility for our thoughts/words and actions. And please, don't be vague here. Gosh, don't you just love vague -- you can hide all sorts of things there. Smiling.

Let's talk about why it might be wise to question other folks' motives? Because you are not a complete ninny, that is why. You are intelligent -- you realize people say or do stuff for all kinds of reasons that are not always in your best interest. Do you hate them for it? NO, you recognize what they are doing and why, then deflect it. You don't suck it up like your favorite strawberry milkshake. We live and learn. If we care at all, we learn to recognize motivations and behaviors.

You want an example? OK. You have a friend that always, always shares his/her drama with you...seeking your input (which by the way you give with your whole heart and good intentions)...but stuff never changes, the drama continues in one form or another. Does the relationship drama in his/her life ever get fixed? Does he/she ever actually solve the problem? In this situation his or her motivation for telling you these private problems isn't really for you to fix it, this person is just using you for a dumping ground -- your input goes in one ear and out the other. This isn't constructive...it is destructive if you are feeling sad, drained, frustrated or tired after a conversation with this person. OK, so... you now recognize what this person is doing and stop your emotional investment. Sure, you can still listen if you want (I wouldn't, but that is my take), but know that you cannot invest yourself in helping this person solve anything. You are not being judgmental...you are recognizing motivation and choosing how you are going to respond to it.

Either recognizing what motivates ourselves or other is valuable. It is a tool you will want to use often. It will make a difference in your own happiness and for others, too.

Constructive...destructive? It is up to you.

With respect and affection,

DCR

You just ticked away your relationship...

Today...Tick, Tock...

Something occurred to me yesterday -- hardly a revolutionary thought, but one that went thump -- the type of inner call (brrrrinnng!) that gets my attention, everytime.   

We spend so much time with technology that we have removed ourselves from actual people.  I love FB; the convenience of emails -- spend some time texting and have a laptop and smartphone.  My work is computer-centered, writing articles, two blogs, editing four more and producing volumes of marketing materials, etc.  Follow this link to youtube video with data on the growth of social media.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIFYPQjYhv8&feature=player_embedded

Many of us rarely make time to see friends anymore and sadly, we have nudged that habit over to our significant partners. 

We are bound, people, tied... to our social media on computers and cellphones.  We have learned to mentally gyrate to the vibrations of technology rather than the nuance of face-to-face communication.  Holy crocus in a pottery bowl! as someone dear to me would say.

Tick-tock, people.  Ask yourself, how many hours at night or on the weekends do you spend texting, emailing, FB'ng, or working on the computer?  How much time do you spend yaking with someone else...and not the person with whom you are in a committed relationship?

"Remember back to when your heart was open."...DCR

Then, ask yourself another question.  How comforting is your computer?  Did your cell phone give you a high-five when you landed that job?  When your mom was sick, did the laptop hold you and tell you it would be alright?  Nope, hopefully, your significant other, or committed partner, did that.

I feel compelled to share this with you...the intimacy of your relationship can erode if you don't spend quality time together.  The good news, it won't take a great big effort to change it -- consistent effort, yes -- horrible and anxiety-ridden effort, no.  Once or twice a week, spend 2-4 hours talking with your main squeeze and focus on that person. 

Here is something simple you can do and it serves as dinner:

Some evening during the week, grab some cheeses, olives, crackers, veggies, nuts and two of your favorite beverages.  Take a few minutes to arrange it all pleasantly on a cheeseboard and plates -- NOT at the dining room table.  Place it in a comfortable area where you don't usually sit together and will have some privacy. (Funny how we only use those cozy little spaces for guests at our parties).  If you have kids, give them some nachos and cheese spread in another room.  (You know what I mean, here, right?).  This isn't a commentary on food, but on some no-tension quality time for you and your love. 

Give yourselves a couple of hours to munch and sip and talk -- do not chew over problems, or big projects, or anything that changes the energy to a negative space.  Remember back to when it was all new and your heart was open and your head was interested in this fascinating other person.

Why does the senario above work?  Well, for one... it takes some time to eat these little appetizers -- spread the cheese on the crackers, take a sip, talk.  Grab an olive, munch, take a sip, talk...you get the idea. For another... you are working at it -- making an effort to keep the intimate, one-human-being-to-another connection, alive.

Relationships are like anything else...left untended, they don't grow.  Ignored, they wither.  Ignored enough, they fade, bite-the-dust...cease to be, finito.

Tick-tock, tick-tock...

Heck, I don't care if it's JuJubees and juice, try it this weekend!

Happy Friday,
Diana


   

How to make difficult relationship decisions…it is a process

Today
There are times in life when we arrive willingly or unwilling at a point that calls for a decision… one that might change our lives. I am not talking about altering a hairstyle or buying a new car. No, it is the decision that will affect you and someone else -- and often, it is about relationships. Let's talk about ending committed partner relationships.

First, things, first…

When you arrive at the point you feel it's necessary to consider making this kind of decision – acknowledge to yourself that it hasn't been an easy road. Why? Self-expectation. When we fall in love and make a commitment, we expect it will turn out well. If it doesn't, quite often, we find ourselves surprised and somehow to blame. We take it all on, in one big lump and it churns and churns…what is wrong…what could I have done differently…what should he/she have done differently…what happens if I end this…how will I ever be okay…how, how can I do this?

Get yourself to a location that is neutral – don't sit in your bedroom and contemplate walking away from a relationship and your home – that is just self-torture. If you are considering making a life-altering change, don't you think it is worth investing in a few days away? Go to a hotel at the beach or a loving friend's home for a couple of days – even one day. Get away from the entire situation and environment.

Next…

When you have stopped crying or feeling bad, perhaps had something to eat and some sleep, then you can approach the BIG question. How do you do that? Interview yourself…yeah, that's right…ask yourself a series of questions.

Sit down with yourself (just you…no one else) and a pad of paper. Be direct and clear with yourself and don't avoid the thoughts that come up -- you aren't making the BIG decision yet, you are just thinking about it.

Understand that the only person you can really change is yourself. Write down the following list of questions and answer them – Be brief, positive and specific:

• 
  
  Why am I here?
  Be fair to yourself -- by acknowledging that there must be some valid reason you have arrived at this point. Okay, you have just validated that you have a reason to be thinking the thoughts you are thinking.
• 
  
  Am I serious about this? Am I willing to accept the consequences of this decision?
• 
  
  What happens to me if I end this relationship? Write down everything that makes you feel afraid
• What happens to my partner if I end this relationship? Write down everything that makes you feel afraid for...or of...your partner
• What happens if I don't end this relationship? Be really honest here…
• 
  
  Is it too late to call a truce? Will more talk save this relationship? Will a trial separation period save this relationship?
• 
  
  Am I willing to try to work this out with a counselor/therapist?
  Get the name of a Marriage Family Therapist from someone you trust. Talk to your partner. Schedule an appointment – whether or not your partner agrees to accompany you. It is so important to talk with a neutral person. Your friend, or mom or sister or brother, usually are going to see things from your perspective. They may or may not be objective and honesty includes objectivity.

Once you have answered these questions in writing -- you have done just that and only that…answered your own questions. It doesn't mean you must act on them, it means you have taken the time to sort out your thoughts and emotions.

Don't rush right out and share your answers with anyone, including your best friend. Let them settle…they belong to you, they're yours. You can decide where you want to take it from this point and remember, you don't have to make that decision immediately.
So many times, it is fear that keeps us from making any type of decision. Having the answers to some of your questions should help quiet your fears and enable you to approach the situation from a stronger basis.

I want to share a very simple truth with you...

        "You will feel the way you feel, until you don't feel that way anymore". -- DCR 

In other words, you will recognize it when you are ready to make a change. Take a deep breath…and realize that.


Regards,
Diana